A (quick) reflection of 2020 and goals for 2021

Oh sweet friends! ❤️❤️❤️

I have missed sharing my creations and life with you!!! It's been four months of silence on my blog. It's been way too long ❤️ 2020 was a hard year, but it wasn't because of COVID. **LONG story below about 2020... keep reading because I also share a few goals that I have for 2021.

Olsen Bebo passed away in March. That was hard. SOOOOOOOOOOO hard. Harder than when we had to surrender Olly Hamilton- I thought that was tough! I love both pups so much. 

I took a sabbatical from my blog after Kim ended Paper Smooches. That was hard for me. I can't begin to express the difficulty and loss I felt when PS closed their doors. *You can read about it HERE. **NOTE: I'm so happy for Kim:) 

But 98% of 2020 was hard because I have been in a depression. I wasn't diagnosed with it; I just know. It set in HARD and wouldn't go away. All because of one situation- I lost hope. I wanted to die- literally thought about ending it all (scariest night of my life). I was confused and didn't know if what I thought was "true" was "truth" because it didn't make sense anymore. Everything I believed in was turned upside down and questioned. Everything I tried to achieve and succeed at was torn from me, thrown at me, and questioned- questioned more than necessary, making it more like belittling than supporting or loving. Things were said to me that didn't connect or line up, which made my head spin all the more. There was soooooooo much stress, unnecessary stress too. Why? Why did this happen? It happened because... well, I can't tell you the whole story. Plus, I don't know God's purpose for that situation just yet (not sure I ever will). All I can tell you is that I had a depression that took me out, down, and to be honest, I'm not sure I am out of the pit just yet. #reallife

It's been hard to function. I didn't eat for three weeks. I might have had a total of three very small meals in that time if you gathered everything I ate. I lost 20 lbs- definitely NOT the way I want to lose weight. I didn't sleep. Cried the whole time. Didn't talk much to Trav or to anyone really. We couldn't. There wasn't anyone we could tell due to the people involved/etc. 

During the fourth week, I fainted and blacked out and that night was the first time I ate. And I haven't stopped since. I understand that you might think that is a good step... but not really. I gained 45 lbs back. Laziness and hopelessness became really good friends of mine. Food has been my comfort instead of Jesus. My heart just can't rejoice and I find sadness setting in during the day and confusion/fear/depression setting in at night. Because I don't understand the situation I find that sometimes I play certain things over and over- all because it doesn't make sense. I can't make sense of any of it. It's truly heartbreaking.

I feel horrible for Trav. He: 

1️⃣ experienced this event with me, and since we are "joined as one" (as the Bible states), he felt it too

2️⃣ had to deal with me- trying to take care of me when he had no sleep, his gut hurt due to the emotions/etc. 

3️⃣ walked through the most unexpected and difficult decision we have had to make 

4️⃣ AND he had to deal with COVID and work the ENTIRE time- he is a pharmacist which means healthcare and working through/exposed to it all.  

It's been hard. 

Never in my life did I think I would be HERE. My head hurts just thinking about this past year, this situation, the heartache and pain... 

Now... I know you might think this list is short and that I'm being a "pessimist"... but I try to be positive. I try to see God's hand and His purpose in my version of 2020. This list is small, but here are some of the blessings from this year: 

• Finn Lee O'Gwynn was adopted- what a blessing! 
• Trav and I spent more time together since we couldn't go anywhere
• Trav and I accomplished a HUGE goal (I might share more specifically about this one day)
• The Lord provided for us as we worked towards this goal- it amazed us each and every day! 
• The Lord protected (and continues to protect) us from the virus
• We have spent more time with our neighbors and have really enjoyed getting to know them better
• I started working on my AEA certificate and teaching water aerobics again
• I quit my job and remembered just how much I love being at home, being a wife, and cooking and crafting (I thought for a long time that God wanted me to give up crafting- not so! It was actually the other way around!)

2020 was chaotic and full of confusion. 2021 comes with a fresh slate. A fresh start. I have "high hopes" for this new year. That's why I am going back to what I know works for me. I am creating my goals again- it's been at least three years since I wrote out yearly goals (and I *LIVE* for goals, lists, organization, schedules, etc.). 

Here are a few of my 2021 goals: 

• Read 15 minutes every night (any book)
• Read 12 books- biblical studies, biographies, etc.
• Finish reading through the Bible- I'm almost half way there! 
• Memorize the OT books (I memorized the NT in 2020)
• Complete my AEA certification by May----> please pray for this! I am in chapter 2... STILL!!!
• Workout 3-5x a week
• Cardio 3x
• Trainer 3x
• Bike with Trav 3x
• Walk with Finn daily :) 
• Complete the RevWell Sugar Fast 
• Create at least one card a week, one Christmas card a month
• Write 3 blogs a week
• Share a crafting video (on IGTV or YouTube) weekly- nothing fancy, just a start and finish or a tip or whatever
• Submit creations for publications (it's been almost 5 years!)
• Work with a crafting company
• Give Savannahland2 a makeover- new graphics, new watermark, new everything!
• Sew one item/thing a month
• Take a monthly photo of Trav and I, and maybe even Finn too:) 
• Serve homemade treats to neighbors and friends monthly
• Have one family over for dinner each month
• Continue to make 8 or more new recipes each month

I have MOOOOOOOOOORE. If you know me, then you know that each of these goals have subgoals and lists 🙃 LOL! 

(sigh)

I don't think I will ever really get over this situation/event from 2020. But I'm going to try to look forward and UP. I have been looking down for too long. God doesn't want me to look down and be depressed any more. Look up, Sav- God's got a plan. He has a purpose. He will bring you through this fire and you shall come forth as gold (Job 23:10). It's not going to be easy, and it probably won't look like you want it to. Trust Him. Seek Him. Pray. Listen and obey when He speaks. You can because He's not finished yet (Phil. 1:6). 

THANKS for sticking with me. 

THANKS for your continued support, love, and encouragement. 

Here's to a better year! 

TONS of love ❤️ HUGS HUGS HUGS, Sav

ps... I know this was a long post! THANKS for making it this far ❤️❤️