22 November 2014

deep{er} #15: reflections

Hello, friends:)

(gasp) I heard you!!! I'm twice as shocked as you are;) I'm actually posting on a Saturday! LOL! 

I hope you are doing well and that you've been blessed this week. God is at work, I know it! I just don't always see it in my life... but I'm trusting in His promises and continuing to step out:) 

UPDATE: Well... last week I blamed the garage sale and our anniversary as to why I wasn't posting on time. This week more events have happened! However, with these events, I'm "couch bound" and will be finding lots of time to read, catch up, and watch TV! 
If you follow me on Facebook you already know that I've injured my ankle while working out. I've been to the doctor and have been given 8 weeks to heal. ***I am in need of prayer- for complete healing and a quick recovery, as well as no surgery. 
Here's a collection of photos--- first day with my crutches, me in the Studio (resting), and Olsen and I trying out my new knee scooter. 

As for leading worship--- THANK YOU for your prayers! It was nerve-wracking leading again (we've been out for so long)... but everything went well! God covered us, helped us with the church's band, and even helped me get through Sunday's service with NO voice! One of the song lyrics from our set included the words, "He will help you sing".... HE DID! No joke! It made me smile when I sang those words on Sunday! LOL! 

REFLECTION & CONFESSIONOk, so this week's reflection is more of a combo... reflection and confession from the heart. We are going to go real deep... deep{er} than I think I want to share, but this thought and feeling keeps coming back to me, and I need to grab ahold of it and let God work it out in my life. Only He can change me... and that's exactly what I am expecting Him to do as I bring this into the light. 

My reflection this week is on my heart. I read a small article about "An Attitude of Gratitude" in the Joyce Meyer's Enjoying Everyday Life November magazine a couple weeks back. Honestly, I looooooooooooove to say thanks and let someone know how much I appreciate them! I know how I feel when someone says "thank you"--- I want to make sure I spread that love to others. Plus, Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday because I have so much to be thankful for! I think that Thanksgiving should be celebrated monthly! LOL! I wouldn't mind a bit of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, with green bean casserole on a monthly basis! :) 

I read and learned in this article that this "attitude of gratitude" is more than just saying "thanks". It's looking at our hearts and why we do things for others/etc. Our words and actions should be pure, with no thought of repayment for what we do. It says in the Bible that what comes out of the mouth reveals what is in the heart (Luke 6:45, Matthew 15:18). 

I don't know about you (although I'm almost positive we are the same)... but I want only good things to come out of my mouth/heart... I want to do what is pleasing to the Lord. 

Now, I have to say that I think that I do most things for the Lord and with a good heart. I'm not trying to get anything out of relationships or out of my acts of service. I am a giver (that's my love language). So I think that my heart is in the right place (doing things for God, sharing His love) and that I do things for others to genuinely help them (and again, share Jesus). 

There's only one thing that makes me think otherwise. That my heart is full of black spots due to anger and bitterness. It makes me wonder if my heart is in the wrong place.

These feelings come from a situation with a former friend. This friend and I went through some pretty hard trials at the same time (different situations but at the same time). I was there for her like I would want someone to be there for me- 100%, day or night, night or day, listening, comforting, and praying for them. 

I wasn't doing this so I would receive something back. I wanted to help this friend and her family in their darkest hours. I know that I want that when I'm going through hard times--- someone to hold my hand, help me, guide me, lift me up, point me back to Jesus/the hope in Him. 

Long story short, I was there for this friend (and still am if she needs me- if she texts me, I answer, help, give advice, pray, etc), but I have not received the same friendship back during my trial... which was at the same time and continues to this day. 

This makes me question my heart --- is it wrong for me to want someone that I consider a "best friend" to help me during my trial? Is it wrong for me to want the same treatment that I give to a friend? Why doesn't she ask how I'm doing? Why are Trav and I ignored? It makes me feel used, dumped on, and forgotten. 

Was my heart in the right place? I thought so!?! Was I doing what I did for God? I thought so, but now that our friendship is over (I cannot continue to think she is a friend if this is the treatment that I get) it angers me that I was treated as if my situation was invisible, nonexistent. 

I just don't get it. And the worst part is... that's how most of our former friends are. We thought we were "friends" with so many people but 99% of them have forgotten or ignored us/our situation. 

So was/is my heart in the right place if I'm expecting friends to return a giving hand to me in my times of trouble/distress/angst? I just want a text or email or phone call... letting me know that we are loved and missed. That they haven't forgotten about us...that they wish us well or still want to stay in contact.

I want them to affirm us as we walk through this valley and get out of this pit and trial. That's my other love language, words of affirmation. 

But nothing. 

And honestly, if they did it now, it wouldn't mean a thing. It makes me question who they are and why they are doing it "now". Why not do it when we were hurting the most or when this trial first started? Why ignore us for a year and then say something?  

So my reflection and confession concludes with the following: I think that my heart is in the right place. I think that I do expect more from friends in certain situations. I believe that it's ok to want to be "thought of" and "appreciated" and even loved on. It's sad that we didn't get this... but it's not going to stop me from loving on someone else. I might not "love on" my former friends like I did... but that's because I'm guarding my heart (in those friendships). I cannot beat myself up and question my character because of someone else's actions. I know my heart. I know that I have pleased the Lord and have given of myself sacrificially for others. I will be rewarded. My harvest will come. And I know that I need to continue to love on others and serve God. 

My goals for this week:
  1. Pray hardest even when it's hardest to pray! I need to be in constant prayer! 
  2. Travis and I made a study schedule for the Dr. David Jeremiah Agents of Apocalypse study set (CDs, books, and study guide)!!!!!! We start it this weekend!  
  3. Begin and complete 2 days worth of the TW'14 Manifesto with Courtney
  4. Continue to pray/read my devotions daily  
      I pray that God has been speaking to you--- and that you are blessed beyond what you have asked or wanted ❤️. Remember, if you need prayer, please contact me {savannahland2 at comcast dot net}. 

      THANKS so much for stopping by today! Be blessed:}

      ps... I'm going to ask for MORE prayer!!! Please pray for Trav and I as we are leading worship again next weekend at New Hope Community Church on Saturday and Sunday. Please pray for good health, that our hearts would be in the right place for worship, and that the congregation would only see Jesus! We need His covering! THANK YOU


      Wendy Kraft said...

      Remember God will give us double for our trouble. He is always working in us and often the relationships we are in may not only be for us, but the other person. God does recognize your kind, loving heart and that perhaps your "friend" will recognize this in time when they have made sense of their own trial.
      It is difficult when we share an intimate part of ourselves and that is not acknowledged, but keep praying for God's clarity and growth. Hugs and prayers for healing physically and spiritually.

      Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

      So sorry about your ankle!!! Hugs and prayers!!!!!

      ScrapaDiddle said...

      Savannah, it sounds as if you haven't forgiven your friends from long ago for not being there for you. Easier said than done, but God really wants you to. Don't have expectations of them, just forgive totally in your heart. I struggle with this too. Then let it go and move on. And you're so right, we have so much to be thankful for!

      Miriam Prantner said...

      Sav, so sorry about your injury! Praying that it resolves quickly and completely. I'm also praying for your friendship situations. That's such a tough thing. I feel like these days it's so easy to live in a way where it surface and where you take more than you give. Many times it's not noticeable, but then trials happen and it's easy to see who was the taker and who was the giver. That doesn't mean to stop, the world needs givers, but it's often uneven. Praying that you find some more likeminded givers to help you through!

      Kerry said...

      Your post totally spoke to me as I'm sure it will to many. Sometimes I feel that friendships are harder to maintain and manage than marriage. I will include you in my prayers this evening...wishing you a quick recovery, that your worship may reach the hearts of those that need it most, and strength as you move through your struggles. Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving!

      Nancy Carroll said...

      Sending prayers your way, I had total knee replacement and then the second to find and fix a problem that an impingement wouldn't allow me to straighten. Long year, my prayers are with you for sure.

      Denise Bryant said...

      hey, I have the matching boot for the right side! I am guessing you DON'T want a pair!!! Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

      Kim Heggins said...

      This is my first visit to your blog and I am so touched by what you have written. You and your sweet Trav will be in my prayers. I will pray that you find peace and also that your ankle heals quickly. I always find it funny how lots people we think of our best friends seem to disappear when we need them the most. Wishing your family a very blessed Thanksgiving.
      Love your blog too.